Poem a Day: Days 13-14

Getting into the swing of things is challenging when one has been gone for a third of the month. Yikes.  Yesterday I quickly wrote this poem as an example of a Shadorma form for a fourth grade class:

river trip
in Guatemala
storks in trees
perched ready
to grab shiny moonlight fish
while pig birds* oink, oink

*pig birds are actually cormorants

Today I stumbled upon and read the blog entries at  Susan Taylor Brown and Laura Purdie Salas.  They are reading Sage Cohen’s Writing the Life Poetic as a book study! Fabo idea!  So I read this week’s chapter on diagraming your poem for sounds..good food for thought.   So I thought I would play with the above poem in revision for today’s writing task.

river trip
in Guatemala
storks in trees
perched ready
to grab shiny moonlight fish
while pig birds* oink, oink

*pig birds are actually cormorants
It seems that the sounds are all over the place in the above draft and the last line jars me (there is SO much I can write about from the trip)

Today’s revision:

river trip
in Guatemala
tree-perched storks
ready to
dip beaks and grab silver fish
swimming beyond reach

Now I see that there is more consistency in the short “i” sound as well as changing the last line which to me flows better.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Vacation. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Poem a Day: Days 13-14

  1. laurasalas says:

    Oh, fun revision! I agree that the more consistent sound makes your poem more cohesive overall. In a very short poem like this, it makes a big difference! So does switching the focus to just one kind of bird.

    Great images from your trip. I could just picture those heavy storks, ready to skim the water and dip their beaks!

  2. Love the revision you did with your attention to sounds. Favorite line would have to be:
    tree-perched storks

    But I still want to see a poem about pig birds. 🙂

Comments are closed.